She whispered to ask what it felt like to feel nervous.
"I dunno, what is it like for you?"
My palms get sweaty, and I feel like I have to pee.
Could you not rub my belly anymore?
Shrug, sigh, exhale, impatiently.
It's like when someone is whispering too loudly in your ear when you don't want to listen. I don't want to feel your hand on me right now.
Girl spurts water out of her mouth onto my neck, I watch some of it dribble down from her chin and into her breast.
"I'll read the letter once you leave."
Okay, she says.
she going to put out
I shrug, silently. Pull out my tobacco and roll another cigarette. Roommate is gone so she can't complain about how the smoke upsets her stomach. I open the dorm window and lay my feet over Girl's thighs and inhale sharply.
I have to leave soon.
"Okay, I have class anyway."
Girl explains that she's a virgin. Girl has never let any boy go down on her. Girl said she had a threesome once with two other girls. Girl's idea of threesome is touching other girls' crotches on top of their panties. I never got this Girl to touch my crotch on top of any panties.
Girl stumbles through some hallways looking down on her feet. She trudges on. Once Girl jogged to the dinner table and her tits shook beneath her tight gray t-shirt. The most action I ever got with Girl was with my hand and my eyes closed.
Once made out with Girl after a party in the eighth floor common room. Put Girl's hand on my tit. Over my bra. Might have felt Girl's pussy, fingers barely made their way under Girl's cloth, or spandex waistline. Panties.
Panties sounds provocative. Panties reminds me of Pussy. Virginal.
Once licked Girl's belly at a party. She shrieked and told me not to go any lower. I told her I could make her cum. She told me I already said that to her at another party. Girl stops to say she sees my name on a book in a bookshelf in the corner of the room. I lift my neck to look where she's pointing before I rest my head back down on her belly. Girl says she's having a panic attack. I find a mini fridge and offer her a cube of cheese. Girl declines. She says she just needs water. I get her water. Girl says it's time to go. We go. Boy throws up on bus. Girl feels sick. Girl comes to my room later but won't sit on my bed. I tear off tiny pieces of banana and feed it to her. Girl also accepts bits of pretzels.
Girl chose Pussy Boy over me. Pussy Boy got her to put out. I imagine Pussy Boy's dick in her mouth. I get mad and smoke another cigarette. Girl later apologizes about Pussy Boy. I look at her wrists which now look firmer. Girl's wrists could also just be tanner.
Girl takes an unsettling amount of time to find the words she wants to use. I wonder if it always took her too long to speak. Girl's hands move in the air while she speaks. She cuts the air with her right hand, her writing hand. Girl's birthmarks and freckles are still in place. Girl's hands are covered in rings. Some of her bracelets are missing, but they mostly look the same. I think about her wrists inside of me. While Girl tells me how she told her ex-boyfriend how she never put out for me I imagine her hands, those wrists, inside of me.
Girl started to wear thigh highs last Spring. I imagined tearing them off with my teeth. Girl still hasn't put out for many people. I still imagine my hand over her neck, and those hands, those wrists, inside of me, feeling crotch over panties.
Maya Corbett is a newly twenty, sweet and suave queer currently residing in the PNW. A second year student at The Evergreen State College, she likes to chain smoke, drink cheaply, and play guitar loudly.