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T H I S    W E E K

WATERSLIDES IN AUXILIARY HOSPITAL WASHROOM by Daniel Thompson

 

That's Not the Horse I Wanted

 

And when we quibble, and should our housing be bigger or smaller, taxes bigger or smaller, a monarchy, a democracy, should we this or that... It's the thing itself. That we have... Of rules. That we dictate. That we take it upon ourselves... That we live in boxes, and if a bug scurries within our box within a box within a... when we sleep on our square, if there is a bug in our square then we scream.

Where are dolphins' iPhones? Where is the bus for giraffes? And the skies were ours, and the seas, and the heavens?

What religion is your dog? What religion is that cat? Is your chicken bar mitzvah'd? That ant's Christian name is John. Mark. Jacob. Names. Who invented those? Language. Who decided we would have that? Evolved. Is it better? What better does it give us? All of it. All of it. The bike system. More society. What is it that I mean here by society, and… God. Big. Big. Big. Why am I supposed to know what China is? Why am I supposed to know what China is? Why am I supposed to know what China is? I was born in Blue Bell. Blue Bell Pennsylvania, some names for what is really a little place where few hundred people live. Why am I supposed to know who Barack Obama is? Why am I supposed to know who Barack Obama is? I saw him in real life once, on a podium in the distance and it was a day for celebration. "There he is!" Everyone shouted and yes, there he was, the man from the TV and radio and mailers and our minds, the president that we had learned about in the schools run by his government, and yes there he was in real life and oh my god he is so much taller in real life. Are we going to war? I hope we don't go to war.

There are no ways to destroy it all and I wouldn't want to. Do I want my kids...? Eat the food you need. The groundhog who lives in our backyard is happy. Or so his therapist tells him he would be if he just went for it already and told his boss he needs a promotion. Have some guts, I mean, think about your kids.

And I am safe in my bed in my houses with my bank account. When I log on online the number is big, bigger than it was last year. Oh yeah and so that'll buy me the...

Happy isn't anything but five letters and so's love except that's four. I have loved you different girls and women and men and family members, I have loved you. O have I? Well I've somethinged. Who knows. Someone sang a song once called "What Is Love" and now I find it hard to write about.

Laptops are made of silicon and I am dead in so many years, and how many inches is the TV? Oh, that's a good number of inches.

If you name him Taylor, I think he'll be happy for the first few years of his life but it's really more of a kids name, don't you think? And I mean it's so in fashion now, every kid is a Taylor or Tyler or Tylor. Yeah, I know, Tylor with an "O" you wouldn't think so but Pete and Nancy did it, radical bunch.

Some person said we're gonna be... It didn't happen overnight? No, I know it happened like over a couple years maybe or a thousand or more even. Ask an anthropologist. Not me, I'm just a guy with a laptop and enough spare time to write this kinda stuff. Uh. Go ask a laptop.

Who decided.... Down on the farm, this horse is… Oh no it's not a work horse haha I mean it's his farm, he farms apples and…yes, a horse farmer, what's wrong with that? Who pulls the carts? Well, horses, you dummy. No they're not random horses, they're his sons. What do you mean that sounds like slavery? Didn't you work on your father's farm?

A POISONING. AN EARTH THAT WORKS AND WE COME AND WE … AND WHAT IS OUR CORE 'THING.' IT SEEMS LIKE, MAYBE, IF THERE IS A CORE THING, MAYBE SOMEONE COULD WRITE OR MAKE A PLAY OR MOVIE ABOUT IT AND THEN EVERYONE COULD READ THAT BOOK OR PLAY OR MOVIE OR ESSAY EVEN AND GO 'OH THAT'S IT, HUMANS WE [!!!!]'! AND THEN THEY'D LIKE, MAYBE STOP DOING THAT? AND THINGS WOULD BE BETTER?

THEY'D DEMOLISH THEIR HOUSES AND BURN THEIR CLOTHES AND STOMP ON THEIR CELL PHONES AND STOP ATTENDING TO THE BILLS GARBAGE TRASH AND START ATTENDING TO THEIR GARDENS. THEY'D FUCK ALL THE TIME. WELL, MAYBE NOT ALL THE TIME BECAUSE WHO CAN FEED THAT MANY KIDS, BUT HEY SOME OF THEM ARE GONNA DIE RIGHT?! I MEAN, REALLY, SOME OF THEM ARE GONNA DIE. I MEAN, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE STILL, BUT LIKE, SOME OF THE NEW KIDS ARE GONNA DIE. WHEN WE STOPPED USING CARS AND MEDICINES AND TELEVISION, GOD HOW BORED EVERYONE WILL BE WITHOUT TELEVISION OH MY GOD WHAT WILL WE DO! MAYBE WE CAN LOOK FOR SOME FOOD SO THE KIDS DON'T DIE BUT IT'S LIKE, UHHH, WITH EVERYONE LOOKING FOR FOOD, IS THERE GONNA BE ENOUGH TO GO AROUND?! MAYBE WE CAN ALL MOVE TO THE FARMS. THERE ARE FARMS RIGHT? WHERE DOES MY FOOD COME FROM? WHERE DOES MY FOOD COME FROM? WHO MADE THIS? WHO ARE YOU? ANNIE. NATURE. VALLEY. UHHHHHHHH TRADER JOE, YES, HI INFORMATION, I'D LIKE TO LOOK UP TRADER JOE, WHERE IS HE? CAUSE ALL THE CLOTHES ARE BURNT AND THIS CELL PHONE'S GONNA STOP WORKING SOON AND I NEED TO FIND SOME FUCKING FOOD FAST CAUSE I DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION IN HORTICULTURE CLASS IN SCHOOL AND… WHAT? OH, YEAH, NO I KNOW I SHOULD'VE PAID ATTENTION BUT SEE I WAS GOING TO SEE THE PRESIDENT SPEAK THAT DAY... YES! I KNOW, THE PRESIDENT! ISN'T THAT COOL? YES, HE IS TALLER IN REAL LIFE.

 

 

Mr. Goodwin tweets @Dumpsterly.