DATE: January 8th, 2011
SUBJECT: It's Bill!
Hey Hil,
Just popping my head in! I know you’ve been so busy lately with the new job—I can imagine the world needs my wife. It was really nice of BO to give that to you. He owes you one, anyway. Not that you don’t deserve it or anything. That’s not what I meant at all. Seriously.
But how’s the White House been? I miss it. Those long, majestic hallways. The sweet smell of mahogany. Our separate but equal bedrooms. If you see Joe, tell him I said, “Woogie woogie woogie.” He’ll get it.
Since I’m here, might as well update you on a few things. You know, same old, same old down here in Arkansas. Been playing a lot of sax. And golf, even though I know you said how white it makes us look. I’ve been keeping myself busy. I also started eating Chobani, like you said. You know, It’s not half bad!
Also, save you talked to Chelsea? Is she up in Chappaqua, or in Washington with you? You guys are always all over the place. It’s so hard to keep track of my girls.
I forgot to ask: now that you’re SoS, does that mean you don’t use this email anymore?
Let me know, Hil! Hope to hear from you soon!
Love,
B
DATE: February 15th, 2011
SUBJECT: RE: It's Bill!
Hey Hil,
Heard the news, and figured I’d follow up with my last email. How’s everything going with Egypt? Think these protests are really something? I know you and BO are probably in the Situation Room, but if you guys need me, just let me know. I am available. All of this week, and all of next week. I think this Thursday I’m playing golf, but I can re-arrange accordingly. Dubya won’t mind. If and when you need me. Just let me know!
And in case you lost it, here’s my cell: 761-569-9018. Email is the same, too.
Love,
B
P.S. Can I get your Netflix password?
DATE: March 20th, 2011
SUBJECT: Hey Hil!
Hey Hil,
Just checking in with this. I saw that picture of you in shades, checking your BlackBerry, so I thought, “Maybe this is my time to email her!” Good photo of you, Hun.
Reading more and more about what’s going on in the Middle East. You sure you don’t need my help? I’ve got a rolodex of leaders over there. I have Qaddafi’s cell, Hun. Eh, you probably have it already.
By the way, we’re still getting billed for Martha Stewart Living. Should I change the mailing address to D.C.? And I cancelled our yoga classes on Thursdays. For some reason, it just wasn’t the same without you.
Give me a call soon! Would love to hear your voice, Hil.
Love,
B
P.S. I tried ‘Hill4Prez’ but that didn’t work. Did you change your Netflix password? Let me know.
DATE: May 2nd, 2011
SUBJECT: RE: Hey Hil!
Hey Hil,
Holy. Shit. Bin Laden? No fucking way. Great job, Hun! The photo of you guys in the Situation Room… So crazy. Ah, I wish I was there. I used to love being in that room. The excitement, the suspense, the hoagies. Man, the Nineties were great. Right, Hil?
Anyway, still haven’t heard from you. So I think it’s because you’re using a government email now. Didn’t you mention that was the case? Call me when you get your chance, so I can get your new one. I heard nobody uses Hotmail anymore, so we’re both fossils.
Love,
B
DATE: June 3rd, 2013
SUBJECT: Prez
Hey Hil,
Are you running for President? The guys were asking.
Love,
B
DATE: May 6th, 2014
SUBJECT: I Can Explain
Hey Hil,
Not sure if you read the Vanity Fair piece by Monica, but I can explain.
Again, cell is: 761-569-9018. Maybe add 1 before the area code.
Love,
B
DATE: March 16th, 2015
SUBJECT: Hello?
Hey Hil,
Is this thing on?
Love,
B
***
John Surico usually plays the 'Newt Gingrich jumping up and down in a monkey suit' card in Cards of Humanity.