People with beards will try to tell you things like: by Shawn Berman


1) We are worried about you when you say, ‘when I grow up I want to have a quiet mental breakdown.’

2) You need to eat more than just bubblegum and ice cubes. You are beginning to look like a skeleton and we might be able to use your body as a kite.

Actually, are you cool with that? We left our kite in the car.

3) You aren’t wearing any clothes again. You’re gonna get a bad sunburn.

4) You left your porn on and the volume is all the way up. The neighbors are complaining.

5) It’s good to be average because it reminds you that you are just as good as you were the day before.

6) You can’t kill yourself by refusing to floss your teeth.

7) The neighbors are really getting mad about the porn, you need to come inside and turn it down.

And you will need to stand up to these bearded people, poke them in the chest and say,

“just because you have a big pretentious beard that says, ‘oh, look at me. I’m a man with a very manly beard and bars don’t ID me, anymore’ doesn’t make you or your advice good.

Because you know who had a beard?

Abraham Lincoln. Guess what happened to him?

Yup, got his brains blown out.

You know who else had a beard?

Santa Claus.

Guess what happened to him?

I’m not sure but he probably got diabetes or arrested by the North Pole Police for domestic violence.

Chris Farley didn’t have a beard and he was the greatest ninja Beverly Hills had ever seen.

Coincidence? I think not.

And if math has taught us anything, it’s that beards make people uglier.”

So, after you tell these bearded pretentious people to go ‘fuck themselves,’

you will not have to go inside and turn down your porn because fuck the neighbors.

You can stay outside and look at the stars,

and touch them.

LITERALLY, have you ever thought about just touching the stars and combusting into a million

glowing pieces?

It doesn’t have to be a giant touch or all at once.

A little here.
             A little there.

Eventually, you’ll want to touch more dead things and you’ll realize that

everything is beautiful.

The stars are beautiful.

The birds chirping are beautiful.

And you’ll think, ‘these can’t be normal birds that I am dealing with right now. What if these birds are aliens and they are secretly disguised as birds so they can learn our ways and take over the world. That would be cool.’





Shawn Berman is a 20­-year­-old person from NY. He is currently working on growing a patchy beard and he probably doesn’t know more than you. You can follow him on Twitter or on tumblr.