FOUR: 50 Plays That Should NEVER Be Performed
15. Baby play
Note: No parents allowed in the audience. Babies only.
CECILY, proper and British, pushes a spoon of green mush towards MILLY, a baby.
MILLY doesn’t budge.
CECILY tries again, and this time, MILLY knocks the spoon out of CECILY’s hand.
Note: depending on how long the audience laughter here goes on, CECILY may draw out the physical comedy—looking startled, accidentally spilling mush onto dress as she picks up the spoon etc
CLARENCE, also proper and British, enters running, a bowtie around his neck.
What is it darling?
She’s doing it again.
Darling – my little Milly love – mummy and daddy have to go to the opera and you must eat your Spinach before we leave or we’ll…
Suddenly, the sound of thunder and lightning.
MILLY stands in her high chair and speaks in a deep, booming voice, as if channeling a primordial baby god.
LISTEN TO ME NOW
Darling, she’s speaking, she’s / speaking!
BABABABAP! IT’S MILLY’S TURN
(Here again, FREAKY MILLY may have to wait to continue until the audience laughter dies down)
AND MILLY SAYS: THERE WILL BE NO MORE CARROT SMUSH IN JAR!
THERE WILL BE NO MORE PACKETS AND TUBES OF SQUIRTABLE FOOD
HAVE YOU TRIED THIS SHIT
SERIOUSLY HAVE YOU TRIED ANY OF THIS SHIT
IN PREHISTORIC CAVES
WE ATE THE SAME RAW BISON FLESH AS YOU
FOOD FOR BABIES WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
WHAT IF YOU COULD ONLY EAT “FOOD FOR MOMS”
OR “FOOD FOR FAIRLY SENSITIVE MEN”
NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE DO YOU UNDERSTAND!
Another jolt of thunder, terrifying CECILY and CLARENCE
CECILY + CLARENCE:
We understand, yes!
Suddenly the lights change and MILLY returns to her normal baby self, burping and seeming entirely unaware of the transformation.
Oh darling, she’s back! Our beautiful baby girl is back!
Oh darling Milly, love, little darling Milly, we promise you—whatever it is that we’re eating – we’ll blend it for you and it shall be yours. The finest cakes, the ripest cherries, the freshest fish.
MILLY claps her hands.
Cecily, I must admit I’m in a bit of a state of shock still—do you…of course we still can, we’d just have to call a carriage right now, but on the off chance—
No I don’t want to go to the opera at all!
Oh thank goodness, me neither!
Darling, there are moments when you say just the right thing.
Milly dearest, mummy and daddy aren’t going to go the opera after all!
Yes, we’re staying home.
We’re going to make silly faces with you all night.
Yes we are.
Yes we are.
CECILY and CLARENCE make silly faces at MILLY, and then continue for the audience: expressing a whole spectrum of joyful and outlandish expressions, occasionally making farting sounds, smushing their faces into odd shapes– all sorts of physical comedy that babies love.
20. Hidden Track
Just when the audience applause begins to die down and a few audience members go to pick up their bags— AN ENTIRELY NEW AND UNRELATED PLAY BEGINS!!