Read Act I here.
* * *
Duke: singing “When the deep purple falls over sleepy”
Sally: interrupts “Duke, you’ve been warned about singing. Stop it now.”
Sally: “Do have any idea what we should do when we can’t cut the mustard anymore?”
Duke: “When it happens to me, I assume that you will still be OK, because I’m halfway around the bend now. Take me into the woods, and if I find my way back you have to keep me. Otherwise I’ll try to survive by mugging squirrels and eating berries.”
Sally: “If it does happen to me first, put me in a comfy chair and bring me chocolates and brandy.
Duke: “Your mother hates me.”
Sally: “That is just not true. How can you say that?”
Duke: “She refers to me the drain clog.”
Sally: “OK, she may not like you much.”
Duke: “Why?”
Sally: “I married you. She hates in-laws and isn’t that crazy about family.”
Sally: “Why do you take your shirt off before going to the toilet?”
Duke: “Shittee on shirttail 5 cents extra.”
Duke repeatedly clicking Info on the remote “Hmm. Why doesn’t this work. Could it be that the last person to use this didn’t hit the cable button?”
Sally: “I usually hit the cable button. Why can’t you just hit the cable button?”
Duke: “The person who starts the remote should just hit all three buttons.”
Sally: “Can we just move on, PLEASE?”
Duke: “How do I turn on the laundry?”
Sally: “How did you ever survive as a bachelor?”
Duke: “It wasn’t pretty. I used to use plates until they were so dirty the food rolled off. I learned how to use a coin op laundry. I don’t think I ever washed sheets or blankets. My mother checked in from time to time to see if I was surviving. I can’t remember where my clothes came from.”
Duke: “Wasn’t the deal that I would buy the car and you would plan for Backyard Certification?”
Sally: “Yes.”
Duke: “Didn’t we get a car over a year ago?”
Sally: “I’m planning on the garden.”
Sally: “Whose turn is it to fill up the pill containers?”
Duke: “I don’t even know what I had for breakfast and that was fifteen minutes ago.”
Sally: “What color do you want to paint the house?”
Duke: “Purple with orange racing stripes.”
Sally: “Sigh. Why do I even bother?”
Duke: “Do you remember our first date?”
Sally: “I vividly remember. We went to see 'Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid' and then went to the ‘The Midnight Sun’ for dinner. It was a great evening.”
Duke: “Apparently your memory is no better than mine. I invited you over to my apartment for popcorn and sex. You are right about it being a great evening. The movie and dinner wasn’t until later in Atlanta.”
Sally: “You lie. I have a mind like a steel trap.”
Duke: “Right. Rusty and filled with dead furry things.”
Duke “How about an evening of dining and dancing.”
Sally “Great idea. It’s been a long time since we have gone out to do anything.”
Duke “Uhh … I was thinking of bringing some MacDonald’s home and playing some Rolling Stones or Little Richard.”
Sally “Ever the romantic.”
Sally: “Were you intending to leave the house wearing that?”
Duke: “I was until you just asked if I was leaving the house wearing that. Why don’t you just tell me what to wear? Did you know that people can always tell when I foolishly dressed myself? ”
Sally: “Mother is coming to visit for a month.”
Duke: “I’ll be at the cabin.”
Editor's Note: This work has also appeared on Short Humour.
Doug Hawley is the author of thirty some short bios and an equal number of sci-fi, general fiction,crime, humor, essays and memoirs. He might still be able to turn cartwheels at his advanced age and definitely still hikes and snowshoes with editor Sharon.