Two Stories by Steve Roggenbuck

a "space heater" would have to be huge

“well it’s time 2 clean my dad” renee says, 
pouring the blood of a dead priest from a 
mason jar into
a 1-liter VOSS water bottle in her kitchen. 
renee’s dad seems “normal” in almost
all regards
but he has
somehow convinced his family and close 
friends to take
turns cleaning him with the blood of
dead holymen.
also renee’s dad is nicknamed the human
car alarm
because when ppl scare him he makes loud 
car alarm sounds
and it takes over 5 minutes to get him to stop.. 
well anyway on this day renee approaches her 
dad, and renee is
a monocle for some reason.
actually there is no reason i take that back. 
and she is holding the blood bottle,
anwway her
dad is scared by the monocle
and renee’s dad starts making car alarm 
sounds very loudly
it’s awkward
it seems really immature of him, but it’s actually 
just a reaction
like an allergy, nothing he can
do about it.
well renee’s mom walks in from the other room 
she says “dear god renay,
what did u do now ;) to the human car alarm, 
our dear father”
all of a sudden a dead clown
falls out of the ceiling of their home
onto the sofa
next to renee’s dad.
everyone goes silent.....
there is a note in the dead clown’s hand.
renee says
“now what could that little note say ;) ”
she goes over to look at it.
the note says “hehe”
nothing else
the end


the correct name for a bunch of bananas is a hand, and a single banana is called a finger

sarah was 1 year old.
littttle baby
wah wah
hahahha too bad for her.
im older.
im 14.
i am 14 and 4 months.
i was born during a meteor shower and it
shows in my personality.
wah wah
cry about it.
take it to the bank,
see if they can cash it for u,
i was born during a meteor shower
and it shows in daily life.
sarah grew up eventually, she turned 13.
then she got in a “13 going on 30” type thing
and she was even older ages
eventually she grew to the age of, get this, 35.
more weird stuff happened
blah whatever 
then she was 50. 
corn grew.
trucks drove with corn all over the world.
trucks drove with soybeans.
trucks drove with natural gas.
coffee beans, 
cow manure.
global warming got worse.
sarah turned
people suffered. hurricanes.
gazelles ran.
gazelles drank water. 
lions ate gazelles.
some of the gazelles got 
away for a while.
the sky went from dark to light and 
back to dark
over 12,000 times.
sarah was alive
sarah was alive and it was beautiful 
and hard.
sarah got away for a while.
then sarah was 90 
or something,
sarah was dead.
sarah was dead and it was beautiful
and hard.
sarah got away for a long time then. 
the end

Steve Roggenbuck lives in Tucson, Arizona. These stories are taken from Steve's new story collection, "Calculating How Big Of A Tip To Give Is The Easiest Thing Ever, Shout Out To My Family And Friends," which can be ordered here