ONE: 50 Plays That Should NEVER Be Performed / by Rachel Kauder Nalebuff


       The most beautiful actress in the city walks on stage
       graciously encouraging/receiving applause.

       Then, she cuts off all her hair.





A SCIENTIST walks amongst the audience, carrying a clipboard, surveying everyone’s boobs. This must feel entirely matter-of-fact (as if noting eye color).


Audience member by audience member, the SCIENTIST glances at everyone’s chest, and notes their boob size out loud using the size chart below. If anyone seems offended, the SCIENTIST must reassure them e.g. exclaiming “Oh I love French apricots! Don’t we all!,” encouraging everyone in the audience to murmur in agreement.


Extra teeny: peas

Teeny: French apricots

Extra small: potatoes
Small: bunched-up gloves
Small-medium: little fists

Medium: avocados
Medium-big: Chinese take-out containers

Big: aubergines
Really big: cabbages

Even bigger: heads


After recording the data for all the boobs, the SCIENTIST returns to the stage.


(Looking out at the audience)

I would like one woman from each category to please join me here on stage.
Starting with peas and French apricots on this side
and the cabbages and heads on the other.
Thank you!


A woman from each group steps forward and onto the stage, forming a long row.
The SCIENTIST finds her proper spot in the line.



Ah. I believe I belong here—right between the (fruit to her left) and the (fruit to her right).
Yes. Now!
We are going to create a powerful wave.
So powerful it may, as I have evidence to believe,
break through a sound barrier heretofore unreached by man.

Starting with the peas, French apricots, and potatoes, we’ll go in order.

She demonstrates by lifting and dropping her own breasts.



The women nod. They are ready.

Suddenly, a dramatic and ethereal musical scale, which accompanies THE BOOB WAVE.

This happens several times, back and forth, until the great awakening is achieved.





Rachel Kauder Nalebuff is a playwright and the co-editor of The Feminist Utopia Project (Feminist Press, October 2015).