TWO: 50 Plays That Should NEVER Be Performed / by Rachel Kauder Nalebuff


Suspenseful music.

Suddenly, a terrible, sulfuric smell erupts somewhere in the theater.

Every audience member is given a short questionnaire, asking them to pick the person most likely to have “done” it.

Everybody eyes everybody else very suspiciously. No one can be trusted.

Dancers enter from the wings to entertain everyone as the results are processed back stage.

A BELL RINGS and an MC wearing a full tuxedo appears.

He taps a standing microphone, the dancers shimmying off stage.


Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please.

The room is silent. Someone gasps. An old woman in a fur coat faints.


It appears we have come to a rather unanimous conclusion
about who amongst you
did it.

A significant percentage of the room thought it was….

A drum roll.


(Pointing to the audience member with the most votes)


Two ushers immediately assist this unfortunate audience member out of the theater. It should feel exceedingly humiliating.

Everybody waves goodbye to “the farter”

As a gesture of reconciliation, upon exiting the theater, “the farter” is given a *COUPON FOR A FREE VACATION TO BERMUDA*!!!!!!



Inside your FORMER LOVER’s room, after they’ve fallen asleep.

YOU, wearing a hooded robe, lie very carefully on the bed, so as not to wake them up and whisper:

I miss you.

I stole all your books.

And there’s a part of me — a small province – that’s still fully yours

It’s called [insert your FORMER LOVER’s first name]-Land

Because here’s one thing I think: you never stop loving someone you’ve loved.

So that means:

OPTION here to shed a hot tear

 There’s a part of me that loves you now.

There’s a part of me that will love you tomorrow

 Or when I’m driving fast

or trying on wigs at the store and having the time of my life

 as I’m cleaning a snack out of my dentures

as I /

Suddenly, your FORMER LOVER wakes up.

 BUT BEFORE they can be startled to see you /call the police (THIS MUST BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS!!!):

YOU snap your fingers and the orchestra (a harp + wind instruments) awaiting your queue outside the window begin to softly play. CALMLY (panic will give you away!!!!!), you do a spooky dance in your hooded robe and chant:

This is a dreaaaaam.

This is definitely a dreaaaaam.

Tomorrow when you remember this, this will aaaaall seem like a dream.

A troupe of dancers in wood nymph costumes emerge from the closet, confirming the dreaminess. The spectacle here can be more or less elaborate depending on the budget, closet size etc.

YOU give your FORMER LOVER a quick kiss before jumping out the window: the orchestra waiting below with a trampoline to catch the fall.