This Is How I Get Bitches
Not looking my friend in the eyes, I said,
“Do you want to have bad sex?
The worst sex,
Awkward, boring, silent, short, non-eventful
My friend responded, “When I give you a blowjob,
I’ll just put it in my mouth, and instead of moving
my head, I’ll just stare at your abdomen,
with a neutral facial expression.”
“I might start crying.”
“I might ask you to do something,
“I might not be able,
to find the hole,
or maintain an erection.”
“I never know, when I’m
supposed to spit.”
“I will demand you cum, and
if you don’t, I’ll accuse you
of thinking I’m ugly.”
“When we are going really hard,
my uncut toenail will slice into your leg.”
“My dog will sit on the bed,
and watch us the entire time.”
“Before we have sex, I will spend
ten minutes accusing you
of having a disease.”
“I only have sex,
with Seinfeld playing in the background.”
“I won’t gasp,
when you put it in.”
“I will not say one thing,
that differentiates you,
from any other person.”
“You have to choke me,
the entire time.”
“If you ask me,
to kiss your neck,
I’ll say no.”
“If you ask me,
to hold your hand,
I’ll say no.”
“If you don’t,
want to cuddle my dog,
get the fuck out.”
“You will never feel loved,
during the whole event.”
“At some point, I will suddenly
and you will wonder why?
But I’ll never tell.
I’ll get angry,
you wonder why?
I won’t tell.
I’ll lay beside you,
looking blankly at the ceiling,
you will hate yourself,
and that is my sex,
to hate yourself.”
Porn Scenes I Would Like to Direct
Someone pokes a mons with their finger,
just poking softly, looking at it,
pushing down, smiling. The woman,
who has the mons, is on her iPhone
talking to Sallie Mae
about her student loans.
The camera angle is on
the person being penetrated,
people doing it missionary
man or woman trans (doesn’t matter)
the penetrated has their eyes closed,
making whimpering noises,
the thruster says, “I really like you, you know,
I really really like you.”
The penetrated smiles, a big goofy smile.
Two people are watching Netflix,
on a couch,
the person from behind, lightly massages,
the other’s genitals,
they don’t have sex.
Nothing happens, except Stabler
and Olivia catch the perp.
It is a small apartment, one of the lovers is going to bed,
because they have to wake up early, and the other doesn’t.
The one that doesn’t have to sleep, goes into the bedroom,
slowly undresses their lover, smiles while looking at their naked body.
They both are naked, they cover each other with Aveeno Lotion,
sit on each other, rubbing their hands and bodies into each other.
After five minutes it is done, the one that needs to get up early,
goes to sleep feeling loved. The other one, goes back to the living room,
plays video games, reads a book, dances, who cares.
It is Christmas morning, two lovers wake up in Maine,
there is snow everywhere, so much snow, crazy amounts of snow.
The two wake up, and scream, “Santa!!!”
They run outside in their pajamas, dancing in the snow,
Then they go inside the house, sit by the Christmas Tree,
they give each other awesome presents,
then fuck like maniacs by the tree.
The scene ends with both of them in the car
driving to one of the lovers’ parents' house,
and one lover says, “I really hate your mom, I’m going
to make a snowman with the kids, so I don’t
get into too many talking situations.”
I think, this is the porn scene, that men
who search “brutal” “grope” and “abuse” really want.
There is a ten-year-old boy, he is doing his math homework,
he looks visibly frustrated, his face red, little tears
on his cheeks. His mother notices, she looks
at the boy, eyes full of sympathy. She sits down,
pulls her chair real close to him, so close their arms
She helps him do every problem, she says she will help him,
every night. And it's true, she plans on helping him.
After the math homework is done, they play a game together
in the living room. She carries the boy to his bedroom,
even though the boy is asleep, his body feels her love,
every particle of the boy, knows love at that moment.
The mother lays the boy down, she smiles at what she had made.
The boy feels her smile, the mother covers him.
At the Bottom of the Amazon
There was once a piranha,
he was pretty, he was swift,
but he kept getting disoriented
when the other piranhas would
The piranha would say, “Why
does everyone need to rush, where
are we going? The animal is dead,
we don’t need to shove each other,
and bang our heads for something,
that is already dead.”
The piranha swam away, “No matter,
how far I swim,
the piranha often said giggling.
The piranha, alone, swimming, having
Other piranhas said, “That piranha has funny eyes,
his forehead is wrinkled, pensive, yes, thoughts, what
can a person do with a thought?”
The piranha dad always told our pretty piranha,
“Food is all that matters, who cares about your thoughts.”
One time the piranha dad looked at his son and laughed
hysterically and said, “You look like the thinking man, we don’t
think in the Amazon, only the Orinoco piranhas are allowed to think,
you will ruin yourself.”
The father piranha had the best intentions.
One day, the young piranha met a river dolphin,
but this river dolphin was different, his one fin
was smaller than the other one.
Everyone expected the river dolphin to die, but
the river dolphin, felt no need
to fulfill anyone’s expectations.
“Is this how you ended up?” The River dolphin said.
The young piranha replied, “I couldn’t handle,
the bureaucracy, everyone wanted rules. And
I couldn’t compete, I became disoriented, and felt
a beautiful sound in my piranha chest. I liked the sound,
so much I couldn’t stop listening. Now I’m starving.”
The river dolphin replied, “You have no food,
“No, only the sound in my chest, and I cannot eat that.”
The river dolphin, felt sad for the piranha, it was the first time
the river dolphin ever truly felt sad for another creature,
the river dolphin knew the feeling was true, and said,
“Do you want to eat me?”
The piranha, strangely felt fine with eating his new friend,
and began chewing on the river dolphin. We can imagine,
the sight, blood everywhere, guts bobbing in the waves.
Noah Cicero has several books published; recently The Bathroom Reader and Bipolar Cowboy have come out on Lazy Fascist Press. Noah Cicero has a Twitter.